Transcript of the President’s call today with Punxsutawney Phil:

Phil: Good morning, Mr. President.
President: Good morning, Phil. How are you?
Phil: Very well. A little jittery but well. How are you?
President: Tremendous. Listen, Phil, I hear you’ve decided on six more weeks of winter.
Phil: Well, it’s not a decision. I just utilize a series of indicators to predict …
President: Okay, well look. The problem is the people of this country would prefer spring over winter.
Phil: Okay …
President: I need you to go back into your little hole, crawl back out and tell them spring is coming.
Phil: Well … that’s not really how it works.
President: That’s how it works now.
Phil: It’s sort of a one-time thing, and it’s mostly for show.
President: I used to work in entertainment. It’s called “take two.”
Phil: And perhaps more importantly, and as you probably know, my prediction is right only sometimes. So you could very well see an early spring.
President: Listen, rat. I hear a lot of words. Not seeing a lot of action.
Phil: Sir?
President: I promised spring. I will give them spring.
Phil: I’m sorry?
President: It’s easier to drain the swamp when the weather’s warmer.
Phil: Sir, I … I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but do you understand neither I nor you can control seasons and weather?
President: Yes I can. And if you refuse to do your part, maybe it’s time I send some troops big-league to Punxsutawney to make sure it gets done.
Phil: You’re sending troops to Pennsylvania to enforce spring?
President: You heard me, rat.
Phil: Uh ….
President: And maybe it’s time to appoint a new animal to enforce the winter deadline. Maybe I make this Squirrel Day.
Phil: Sir, squirrels are very stupid animals and are hardly qualified …
President: The squirrels endorsed me during the campaign, so I know the squirrels will do a good job.
Phil: The squirrels have a very ugly past, as you know, with their treatment of otters. With all due respect, I’m not sure you should have accepted their …
Presidents: We’re done here. Troops are on their way. Time to find a new job, rat.
< dial tone >